My days are full. Up to my eyeballs, sun-up to late at night, busy. I am taking a class and have to spend at least one weekend day at the library, since at home I would never be able to get any studying done. It is going to be an intense next few months while I continue being mom, take three classes back-to-back, and finish up the school year.
“Let it Go” is the current theme song in our house, as my four year old belts it out and the twins try to follow along. I’m trying to learn to let go. To let go of the disappointment that I can’t ever drink normally, to let go of the judgment of my feelings, to let go of my almost constant sense that things should be some other way than how they are.
I listened to most of the latest Bubble Hour podcast and, inexplicably, I suddenly felt heavy and sad with the absolute realization that I suffer from some kind of mental illness. My anxiety attacks, social fears, self-medication with alcohol…they are all part of one central problem, which I suppose every post so far has in some way addressed. Recently I rediscovered the concept of “The Highly Sensitive Person” and, if it is an accurate description of a personality type, I fit it to a T. I am overwhelmed by loud noises, seek quiet and solitude, can strongly sense how other people are feeling, do not perform well under scrutiny, am made extremely upset by violence and conflict…the list goes on. Those inborn characteristics, combined with social issues as a kid and a difficult relationship with my mother, seem to have been the perfect recipe for self medicating behaviors. Alcohol was not the cause of my deeper problems, it was a symptom. I am debating about what to do next. See a doctor? Request medication? These things are waaaay outside of my comfort zone. I have always been drawn to yoga and the general ideas around Buddhism, and to the belief (or at least wish) that I am capable of healing myself. I need to carve out some time and energy to put some self care practices in place, that much is clear.
One thing I have realized recently is that shopping, especially online shopping, gives me a little rush that is eerily similar to the anticipation of the first drink. Not that I go crazy or anything – I don’t ever buy things I don’t have the money for – but I’ve recognized it as another way my addictive personality surfaces. That tingly sensation as I load up a bunch of things (all practical, really – books, things for the kids, kitchen gadgets) into my virtual shopping cart is something I’m not sure how I feel about. I’m not a hoarder, but I do find comfort in material goods. My tastes are simple, I usually am drawn to quality over quantity, and my purchases usually reflect a desire to have well-made things that will last a long time. My biggest resentment in terms of spending money is having to buy something twice because the first one broke. I value thrift and economy, though, and wish I was better at saving money. I had no idea I was going to write about this. I guess I’m just evaluating myself a lot lately, noticing the connections between seemingly disparate aspects of my personality.
The teachers and professors have gotten deep into my psyche; I feel like I need to insert a smart, thoughtful conclusion to summarize my thoughts here. So, if anything, it’s this: I am settling into sobriety. I still have occasional twinges, I still have moments when I’m really resentful that I have this thing that makes me different from normal people. But I am doing it. I’m sometimes sad and angry about it, but I’m working on myself. I’m working on the things I always knew I had to work on, just this one last bottle, and then I’ll face it all. Well, here I am, facing it. I am just dying to hear the first spring peepers down by the pond.
telling the words 
I just read your blog from start to finish and identify with so much of it. I am on Day 19, and a mother to 2 young ones. Thank you for helping me to understand the concept of powerlessness over alcohol, and for introducing the idea of a highly sensitive person (which I quickly recognize as myself). I wish you the best and look forward to following your journey along with my own.
Kristy, thanks so much for your comment! Congratulations on 19 (20) days! One of the main things that has helped me get and stay motivated to quit are all the other bloggers who say that it only gets better, so much better. And it does. There is a book called The Highly Sensitive Person, by the woman who coined the term. It’s sitting in a pile on a shelf, waiting to be read, but all I had to do was read the cover to know that it definitely applies to me. There is a website by the author, also. Good luck to you, too! Reach out, keep in touch, seek the support you need. It’s so worth it.